The 5 Guys You Meet in Every Louisiana Bar

You don’t pick the bar. The bar picks the characters.

Louisiana bars are like church — but with worse decisions and louder music. Doesn’t matter if it’s a honky tonk in Eunice, a dive in Metairie, or a daiquiri stand with lawn chairs out back. You walk in, and these five guys are always there.

Don’t bother learning their names. You already know who they are.

The Duck Commander-in-Exile:

Wears camo Crocs. Smells like gun oil and boudin. Claims he “used to guide” but hasn’t been invited back to the duck lease in 3 seasons.

Current conversation topics: teal flight patterns, boat ramps that "used to be good," and how federal duck stamps are a scam.

Drink of choice: Busch Light in a koozie that says Git Bit.

The Failed Local Musician (Still Brings His Guitar)

He once opened for Wayne Toups in '09 and will remind you of that before the ice melts in your drink. If there's a stage, he’s getting on it. If there's not, he is the stage.

Drink of choice: Jameson. Neat. "For the voice."

The Oilfield Philosopher

Covered in tattoos, fresh off a 14/7 hitch, and ready to lecture you on the nature of God, Bitcoin, and how to field-dress a nutria. Surprisingly deep... until the fifth drink.

Drink of choice: Jack & Coke, heavy on the Jack.

The Overly Friendly Old Dude with a Suspicious Tab

He’s been sitting at the corner of the bar since 3 p.m. and knows your name by 3:15. Probably owns the place. Might also owe the place.

Drink of choice: Crown Royal, poured with authority by the bartender who’s tired of him.

The Guy Who Just Got Out

Nobody asks out of what. Could be jail. Could be a relationship. Could be a job he hated. Either way, he’s living loud and unbothered tonight. Wears sunglasses indoors. Dances offbeat. Tips in crumpled ones.

Drink of choice: “What’s strongest for cheapest?”

Bonus: You

If you’re reading this, odds are you’re one of them. Or becoming one. We don’t judge — we just order another round and write it down.

The bar changes. The names change. The drinks change. But the guys? They’re always there. And somehow, they’re always in your seat.